Sterling Archer's Board Game Bonanza
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer organizes a games tournament at the Figgis Agency during work hours.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been packed away somewhere. Just some thoughts on what the gang did between clients. Which is a lot of time if you think about it.**

 **Sterling Archer's Board Game Bonanza **

"So Sterling," Mallory glared at her son in Cyril's office. "Would you like to explain yourself?" Lana and Cyril were also in the office. Lana was glaring at him with her arms folded and Cyril was sitting behind his desk.

"About what?" Archer asked as he sat in a chair.

"About **this!"** Lana went to the door and opened it.

The sound of rock music was in the air and a lot of laughter. Cheryl ran by naked except for strategically placed whipped cream. "I AM THE CHAMPION! WHOOOO!"

"Oh **that,** " Archer said calmly. "Well I think Carol ate one too many groovy gummies and drank some alcohol. Usually that combination…"

"Not about the **streaking!** " Lana slammed the door. "I am talking about the party out there! Cyril, Mallory and I go out for an hour to file some simple paperwork for the office."

"And when we come back," Mallory added. "We find that the entire office has turned into a frat house party!"

"It's not a frat house party!" Archer corrected. "It's just a bunch of games and some casual drinking."

Again Lana simply opened the door. "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Ray and Krieger were heard chanting.

"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRP!"

"I am the Chug Master Bitches!" Pam whooped.

Lana closed the door again. "Care to explain?" Lana asked icily.

"Well," Archer said. "We all know that Pam has a pretty strong metabolism…"

"NOT PAM'S DRINKING!" Lana shouted.

"You know damn well she was talking about this stupid office party!" Mallory shouted.

"An **unauthorized** office party!" Cyril added. "During work hours!"

"What work? Seriously?" Archer shrugged. "We haven't had a client in weeks!"

"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory growled.

"Why are you only nagging **me** about this?" Archer snapped. "Why aren't you lecturing everyone else in the office? They were screwing around too! Still are actually."

"Because you're the ringleader in this Circus of Office Dysfunction!" Cyril snapped.

"I am not," Archer snorted.

"Are too!" Cyril snapped.

"Am not," Archer shrugged.

"Are too!" Cyril shouted.

"Are too!" Archer said quickly.

"Am not!" Cyril shouted.

"Are too!" Archer smirked.

"Am not!" Cyril shouted.

"You're right," Archer grinned. "I'm not!"

"GAAAHHH!" Cyril shouted in frustration.

"Great," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "I'm working with Looney Toons."

"Hey! Elmer and Bugs!" Lana barked. "Can we get back on track here?"

"I can't believe that you're singling me out for something **everyone else** did!" Archer barked. "Oh my god. Is this how Tom Brady feels?"

"Let's not touch **that one** with a ten-foot pole please?" Cyril groaned.

"You're persecuting me for something that wasn't my fault!" Archer protested.

"Yes it is!" Cyril snapped.

"No, it isn't," Archer teased.

"Cut that out!" Cyril snapped. "Archer you are the one who organized the party in the breakroom!"

"Prove it!" Archer said smugly.

"Ah hem," Lana pulled out a flyer and read it. "Come to Sterling Archer's Board Game Bonanza! Sponsored by Sterling Archer. Board games provided by Sterling Archer. Scotch provided by Sterling Archer. Pastries and jam provided by Pam, who was assigned that job by Sterling Archer!"

"That's obviously a typo," Archer said innocently.

"There's a picture of you on the flyer with a Jenga Game!" Cyril shouted. "And the caption reads Sterling Archer's Jenga Jam!"

"Again, typo," Archer shrugged.

"I can't believe my own son is screwing around all day playing in a Jenga tournament he started!" Mallory snapped.

"Not all day," Archer groaned. "I was eliminated in the first round. Damn, Carol really wiped the floor with me."

"I don't believe this," Cyril groaned.

"Neither do I!" Archer protested. "I was taken out by **Carol?** In the first round!"

"Archer…" Lana began.

"I mean I get why Ray beat me in the Limbo contest," Archer said. "And Krieger winning Operation. Yeah, no brainer there. But Carol beating me in Jenga? **Carol?** _ **Jenga?"**_

"Archer…" Lana sighed.

"It just defies all logic," Archer said.

"Cheryl's **entire life** defies all logic," Mallory pointed out. "But this is about you, and what passes for logic in your brain!"

"Look I'm just trying to keep up morale around here," Archer said. "We haven't exactly had that many clients. Honestly I was sure we'd have had a lot more by now."

Mallory glared at her son. "Well maybe Sterling if you didn't keep screwing up and pissing away opportunities like cheap bourbon…"

"You're still mad about the gun running thing aren't you?" Archer groaned.

"How did you ever guess?" Mallory snapped. "Just the latest in a long line of screw-ups!"

"Hang on!" Archer interrupted. "Not **all** of them were my fault! Donovan Kane your ex-boyfriend for one! Who Pam slept with!"

"And who was supposed to be watching Pam?" Mallory shouted.

"Technically Cyril's in charge," Archer said.

"Oh no!" Cyril snapped. "You're not laying **this** on my doorstep!"

"And how about the time you were sleeping around with another client's husband?" Archer pointed to Mallory.

"Technically I didn't," Mallory sniffed. "So as far as I'm concerned the whole thing never happened."

"How convenient for you," Cyril groaned.

"And let's not forget the whole evil clown incident was all Shapiro's fault!" Archer added. "Which I had to come up with a rescue plan to get us out of!"

"Some rescue plan!" Lana barked. "We all got clobbered by bean bags while you were making out with Veronica Deane!"

"I was clobbered by bean bags too Lana!" Archer corrected. "So obviously I wasn't making out with Veronica at the same time…"

"When did it become Veronica?" Mallory asked.

"That also explains **this flyer** I found in the copy room," Cyril took out a yellow piece of paper and handed it to Lana.

"A VERONICA DEANE MOVIE FESTIVAL?" Lana screamed as she read it. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

"Care to explain **that one** Archer?" Cyril asked, smirking.

"Uh…" Archer couldn't. He held up a finger. "Hang on." He then ran out of the office.

"ARCHER!" Lana shouted as she chased after him.

"This I gotta watch," Cyril grinned as he got up to follow them.

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Mallory groaned.

Meanwhile Cheryl, Ray, Pam and Krieger were drinking in the break room. Milton was making toast when…

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Archer ran by screaming.

"COME BACK HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN YOU PIG!" Lana chased after him.

"GET HIM LANA!" Cyril followed. "GET HIM! Better yet, somebody get me a camera!"

"Forget it!" Mallory shouted. "I'm getting a drink!"

"God I love our office parties," Pam laughed.


End file.
